An Open Letter to Faetooth*

Dear members of Faetooth: Ashla, Jenna, Ari and Rah,

I don’t like to complain or air grievances in public. It’s unseemly, and I prefer to be a whiny jackass Boomer in private. It’s like, once I write something, even in my own privately-owned website that I pay for, by the way, it stays there forever.

But you’ve left me no choice. Oh, and let’s add Joseph to this open letter while we’re at it. He and his whole, “I’m gonna use real gear and mics and capture a natural drum kit sound” bullshit. None of you shall escape the scathing torrent of my wrath.

What’s got me in such a fit, you ask? Well, let me tell you. I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!!!!!

I have skull-crushing deadlines to meet! I just spent WAAAY too much time on my last post. I have a life, y’know. I have other priorities: family, girlfriend, work. I haven’t even finished House of the Dragon, dammit, or even started Elden Ring on my PS5!

And there you are, with your compelling band and interesting names. “Faetooth,” eh? Really? Like you actually know something about the Tuatha De Denann or something? And calling it “fairy doom”, as if you didn’t know you’re confusing the heck out of people who think the Fae are a bunch of unicorns farting rainbows out of their arses, totally oblivious as to what it means to spend seven years in each of the three epochs. Yeah, I saw right through that, just so you know. But it worked. Fairy click-bait is what I call it.

But then, and this is unforgivable, along with your co-conspirator Joseph, then you open Echolalia with a mournful, sonorous guitar sound that’s actually, and this is the worst part among many worst parts, that’s actually recorded beautifully. With a real microphone, that picks up all the nuances of the playing: the sound of the string being plucked, the hit of said string on the fretboard. Drums that aren’t relegated to noise-gate purgatory. But then, you have to bring the brutally beautiful main riff, all saturated and fuzzy while maintaining a perfect mix that includes the growl of the bass and even the cymbal crashes resolve with natural decay.

How dare you!?!

Don’t you realize this is your first full release? I’m supposed to hear a song or two, scribble something like, “it’s a solid first start with interesting ideas. I think Faetooth really put their hearts into Remnants of the Vessel, and I can’t wait to hear what they come up with next with more time to refine their sound.” But noooooo, you have to release something that sounds like your fifth recording, after years on the road and a legendary producer to get you ready for your “breakthrough” album and a tour with King Buffalo.

Faetooth, don’t you understand that it’s November. NOVEMBER! Half the contributors on the Doom Charts already have their top 10 of the year: they have to publish in like 6 weeks. And we have Elder coming out. ELDER! Don’t you understand what that means? I’m not part of the Doom Charts, but I can feel their pain. And I’m not just talking about me here, I’m talking for all the bloggers across this weird and wonderful planet: you just fucked our collective shit up with Remnants of the Vessel. Which, by the way, you had no right to come up with something that poetic. Same goes with your insightful lyrics full of meaning and nuance. The nerve! Now I can’t ignore you or put you on the back-burner. Even Angry Metal Guy’s gonna have a hard time writing you off as another boring and unoriginal Sabbath/Windhand retread, which could cause some serious damage to their reputation.

What about the promotors and fans? Did any of you give any thought to the fact that Desertfest (fill in the blank) is already planned and booked through 2027? Now some poor bar is gonna have 700 people waiting in line for a chance to sardine themselves into a 150 capacity room in Maryland just so they can brag on a Reddit forum that they heard the whole set, conveniently omitting the fact that they were two blocks away and could just barely feel the bass notes and only the rhythm of the kick drum gave a clue as to which song was played. This affects a lot of people!

But back to me. I can’t forgive nor will I forget that Remnants of the Vessel is so good that I can’t stop listening to it, and each time I do I find some other tasty morsel in the production to drool over. Fairy Doom my ass, this is Audiophile Doom that compels me to geek out on my Sennheiser HD-800S’s and Cavali Liquid Carbon amp with yet another reminder that I need a multi-bit ladder DAC with balanced output to hear what the “artist intended.” I thought I was done with that Schiit when I chose Stoner/Doom as my niche. I have hours ahead of me on Head Fi now, thanks to you.

So, yeah. Thanks so much for dropping the best debut since Messa dropped Belfry or Spaceslug gave us Lemanis in 2016, take your pick. If you’re not careful, you’re gonna wind up on a successful tour with Frayle and the aforementioned Messa that makes so much money you’re gonna need an accountant. You’re gonna have to deal with the logistical nightmare of a 4th pressing in the first year, with Steven Wilson begging to do a multi-channel mix on Blu-ray. Just try to say no to him, I dare you.

Oh wait, you have “Joseph” to handle that part of it. You do get to say “no” to Steven Wilson. Damn you, damn you all to Tir nAill.

…End Rant

* This is a joke, an ironic parody. I LOVE this album, and Faetooth is an amazing, unbelievably incredible band. I just really wasn’t ready for it, and thought I’d make fun my reaction. If you need more explanation, help is available. I am a certified Life Coach, after all.